A dream came through yesterday morning prior to my first experience doing a live Instagram Q&A session. I want to share it with you because it's something, I imagine, most have some experience with in our lives.
The dream goes like this:
I am in a dream home of a dear friend and we're getting ready to go out somewhere. She is in her own rhythm, doing her own thing, and tending to her own business. I have an idea that I'd like to make grilled cheese sandwiches for a couple of the friends we are going to meet, but seeing as I'm not familiar with my friend's home, I cannot seem to find the necessary ingredients to make the sandwiches. I search in all the obvious places and the not so obvious places and come up empty handed. I ask my friend where she keeps the bread and cheese. She motions over there somewhere. I continue frantically looking for the ingredients but to no avail. My frustration is amping up and time is running out. Now I have no time to get ready and take care of myself before leaving. I burst into tears. I decide to go out in the other room to find my friend and confront her. I ask her if she knows how upset I am with her for not being more helpful. She has no idea, and more importantly, she doesn't care. This seemingly obtuse, aloof response only fuels my fire and I get into a power struggle with her. At one point her husband comes home and I am embarrassed for him to see me in this emotional state. I think about ending the conversation with my friend, but we're already in too deep. The battle of wills continues and she keeps talking over me. I ask her to please let me finish a sentence, which never seems to happen. The dream ends with me out of time, angry, hurt, frustrated, misunderstood and with no grilled cheese sandwiches for my friends. My friend is relaxed, seems to have all the time in the world, and has a huge plate of beautiful sandwiches she made for wherever it is we are going.
Just to clarify, this is not a dream about grilled cheese sandwiches, it is a dream about self-abandonment. From the opening of the dream, I am doing something for other people, who, by the way, never asked for my help. I want to surprise them and be the grilled cheese making hero! The more I try to find value through doing something for other people who are not even asking for my help, the angrier I become, the more I project my expectations onto other people, and the more unfriendlier I become with time. Everything goes to hell in a hand basket, ultimately culminating in an intense power struggle. None of it is relational, and furthermore it is mutually reductive.
This dream highlights my desire to be loved, to be important, to be valued and to be the best grilled cheese sandwich maker this side of Griswold, Iowa. The problem is, the desire to be valued comes at a great cost to myself and those I love. My work here is to move the start gate back a little and take care of myself before I do anything for anyone, especially those who aren't even asking for my help. This is how self care works. If I had tended to my own needs first, I wouldn't have panicked, run out of time to do what I needed to do for myself, expected my friend to carry the load and gotten into a fight with her. And remember that little bit in there when her husband came home and I was embarrassed for him to see me feeling emotional? This is why I'm sharing this dream publicly. There is a tendency for me to be embarrassed around emotions or vulnerability, so sharing this in a public platform is a way to take care of myself and remind myself that we're all in the same grilled-cheese boat. The moral of this story (of my life) is ... charity starts at home ... more sandwiches please.
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